The illusion shattered


do I continue this rat race during stagnation, no pace?

Am I sick enough yet?

this can’t be right (no)
this can’t be right (no)
this can’t be right (no)

I no longer hurt, now.
rather, I’m sick.

So many dreams:


they are not allowed here.
no, no, they whisper.
this is only a place for the proud, selfish, and individual (lonely)

None of this is real.
nothing is touchable.

If it feels like nothing – it’s probably nothing.
An illusion.

I feel sick.

The illusion…shattered.

A heart is a terrible thing to waste.




Excerpt from writing 5/13/2020:


letting go
feels like falling

letting go
letting go

breathing and release
feels like letting go

feels like a trap

choice feels
like freedom

need feels
like sadness


The Great Mystery


This occurred on October 17, 2017. Just two months after my return from Israel. This is the story of The Great Mystery…

It all started with a BBQ. No wait, yes, a BBQ, but there was not just BBQ there. There was also like, for example, some bratwurst and that was the best bratwurst I’d had all week. This is where things began. a BBQ.

I met this wonderful lady from GeoTech named Amity. Amity flew out from GeoTech’s regional office in CO to show off some cool new gadgets like the QRAE III and a QRAE III Receiver. This is new technology that allows the supervisor for CSE or other jobs to remain remote (500ft?) and receive readings from the meter. She also displayed a drone that can be used for hard to reach places in environmental sites. I was impressed. I even took pictures with my personal cellie.

I left feeling well and confident in these directional changes I had learned regarding advances in my industry. A bit scattered, however, because I had the back 3 seats filled with light bulbs I was recycling for EPSVT. So when I couldn’t locate my personal phone, I didn’t think much. Oh – it’s usually pretty precisely plundered underneath the piles of projects that I… have going… and rarely see to completion.

I had to scoot to CG so I could see Betsy, Brian, Elise, Melissa and Kenneth on the computer, Tina and Allen, Jenn, Sean, and those new people dang it what were their names!!! So my tummy was full and we were about to go talk Jesus and Corinthians, so I was feeling pretty good & confident in this way of beginning my night.

Even when I left CG though, I still couldn’t find ‘ole  blue (cell), and into Thursday. I was over here thinking- what a nice break from the responsibility of my phone. So I was productive at work and it was great. Alright, let’s zoom ahead to Friday morning. Still not concerned. I call mom on the work tellie to check in with the latest, and she tells me, “oh, honey, Chanel has your phone.” [Chanel had messaged recents and Tay messaged me on gmail, but I didn’t see those yet] “What… Chanel has my phone?” This is how mom found out– [see appendix]

So I go over to the Burrow and Chanel tells me the story. My main from Coco Bongo, @Godrinati, on Hillsborough St. call recents. Chanel is the one! They tell her hey girl we have your friend’s phone. So Chanel in all of her beauty and grace rush there to get it for me.

I asked David Hathaway and Brandon from GeoTech if I had left it there. Nope. Granted, CG at the Simmons is not far from hillsborough St. But how did it get from where I was on Kilgore St. to Coco Bongo?

Reestablishing Standards



she called through the dark and long hallway, echoes cascading off of the walls into a cacophony of noise.

She hadn’t been here in awhile, so she couldn’t remember what she was looking for.

She continued however, into the darkness. I know what you’re thinking- yes, it became very dark as she continued.

“But why?” she stated. “Why come here when all I can see,
is the way I paint things to be?”

“Maybe you’re here so that you can repaint the strokes that were mislead.”

A voice called out from the darkness. She remembered. Remembered the way things had been before, the way they were when things felt wonderful! When emotion followed from Truth.

“But it hurts.”
“I’ll hurt with you.”
“Really? Why would you do that?”
“Because I care.”

Feeling is scary. feeling… is not the easy way. It’s either feel or let something else take over. Those are the two choices. I am choosing the former. Why, you ask? It’s the only way to claim and own myself. I am choosing to own what’s mine. It seems like the only way to ask the Father for what I need, when I make a full assessment of what I need. I know He is faithful.

I know He is faithful.

In the environmental world, we do Risk Assessments of equipment/processes that are complex. Am I complex? Yep. A full scale assessment and evaluation is required to fully understand the weak spots on a vessel. Then, engineering controls are implemented, as well as various other safety mechanisms, working habits, and SOP’s to dovetail with it, to assist safety, and to ensure as little can go wrong as possible (kinda the idea behind ALARA).

Things still may go wrong, but the engineer can confidently say they put work into the assessment to do all the necessary checks.

Well, I’m the vessel. I care about myself. I care that hazards are mitigated to ALARA.

Galatians 5:1 states:
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

It’s simple.

John 8:36 states:
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

I see choice. The choice given to me. ME! to reestablish the standard. Through Him. For myself. For freedom. For Him. For love. Love of self. Love of Him. His love is Freedom. and if God is love, then following him must be freedom.

What will free my heart? 

Timshel/ אתה יכול


Too bad the idea of Timshel hit me over two years ago… and I’m just now writing it (such a punk…)

It has become more evident in the weeks following March 22 that my fear of death is more than I thought it was. Interesting that was during Lent, but I also consider it to be part of seasonal affective changes. Had a lil situation where I couldn’t stop considering eternity and the more I dug in, the closer I was to passing out or throwing up or both. Hadn’t got that close to physical illness based off of a mental state before. As I talk about either, it’s evident to me that I still can’t talk about it too much.

This is a new thing. The last time it made my head spin was when I was 5. This time, I didn’t ask mom about it, just stayed in it… was kinda a bad idea because it’s messing with me lately. I haven’t feared this very much at all regarding the idea (just that one week when I was 5), so I am considerate of it being a new tactic/ lie (Steinbeck’s East of Eden recommends that vice has to keep on respawning… makes sense as each shadow is determined an illusion). Even so, I considered 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love; perfect love casts out fear.” The idea that I’m fearing eternity is because all I know is for love here to end, but there in heaven it won’t. See I haven’t quite grown the capacity to conceive that, yet.

As I reviewed a C.S. Lewis’ excerpt from Mere Christianity this afternoon, I realized all the focus/courage he had to explore faith things at the time was pivoted on his ability to stay woke/awake. 21 Pilots says, “I’ll stay awake…” [Ode to Sleep]; again in Car Radio, “It is faith and there’s sleep; We need to pick one please because; Faith is to be awake; And to be awake is for us to think; And for us to think is to be alive.”

Being broken I have yet to see the beauty there, ha, but He is beautiful in giving ME the choice to fight my battles, to grow, to find the path… Timshel(אתה יכול) means thou mayest. When he tells Cain in Gen 4:7, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

The translation of the verb pivots one’s understanding. Even here… the verb utilized was “must”. Sounds more like a command (…”or else I’ll give ya a knuckle sammy!). However, when considering other translations, “…but thou mayest rule over it.” it’s funny that the KJV just so happens to have the right translation. We see that thou mayest… It’s still quite an open choice to do choose something. What breaks open, as God knows, the journey and significance of life, is the choice to choose goodness, not in the necessity or pressure without choice. Sin certainly is crouching at the door. How I could have missed this in my early years, I’m not sure. Maybe for protection. However, I am certain not one second can go to waste. It solidifies the significance that we can do nothing alone.

In “The Heart of Man” [of which contributors include: WM Paul Young, Jackie Hill Perry, Dan B. Allender, Jay Stringer, and John & Stasi Eldredge], they quote Steinbeck as stating- “The way is open.” Certainly as they state, one of the most important words/delineations in the world.

That I get to design my way by trying. Certainly, this is not the way of a perfectionist. Certainly this way, the way of “working out my salvation with fear and trembling” [Phil. 2:12-13], this is the way, the faithful way, the way to please God, and the way by which a life- yes- increases in vulnerability, but also, as Brene Brown underscores, is the same way value is established.

Too bad this a little more resembles word vom than a considerate segment.

Don’t do nothing about it

->he is the WayMaker
->his eye is on the sparrow
->He will supply every need
->He is the fulfillment of every longing
\ E \
\ V \
\ E \
\ R \
\ Y \
\ L \
\ O \
\ N \
\ G \
\ I  \
\ N \
\ G \

->bright and morning star**
radiant sun (son) of righteousness

shine through me, oh morning star

He is the fulfillment of every longing!
He is the fulfillment of every longing.

“What do you want more?” He requests, to be sure.
For, you cannot obtain and maintain both.
I love you -> What do you want more?
“It is up to you.”

In the hidden places, you initiate changes. – the hidden places
“I’ll stay awake, my bright and morning star.
It is upon you that I depend.”


“Maybe I’ll Title This Later”


I don’t know where it stops,
I don’t know where it ends,
I don’t even know how it began;

But I remember

Feelings come in colors, shapes, shades,
complicated or simple
There’s too much of it
It won’t fit
In a box or package

To remember is almost too much,
All of it is all too much;
It’s all just too much.

I felt stuck.
But it wasn’t a play.
Nor was it a performance.

I thought it better to live in the wide river
rather than be an individual.
Have I learned to free myself to be myself…?

If only you could see yourself… he states
To get outside of my mind
Seems to be outside of time
Borrow the mind of the Almighty
And sit on a porch

From where do all these feelings of eternity come?
Why are they on me like a blanket
What do I do with them?

I thought today- how did I get here?
I’m hurt
I’m sad
I’m broken

Reestablishing value
When waves come against it

Is it possible?
Can I feel again?

“There’s nothing there”


How many times have I slowly peered inward at myself, waited a limited time, and determined the above statement. Yeah, I’m not sitting in this, because there’s nothing here for me and I won’t get anywhere.

I think it was Friday morning that I realized that’s a boldfaced lie. Rarely, I think, is actually nothing there. God chooses to meet me wherever I am, but if I am turned away continuously, I won’t recall that he’s there and wants to meet with me.

Imagine Moses telling people God showed up to him in a burning bush; God showing up in the form of a ram; Jacob fighting with him at ___ (was it Peniel?), Paul’s joy in jail, the blind healed with mud placed on his eyes. Why? God is different than us. The only thing I can think of is that he is much more creative and cool than us and that’s one way how he’s different. But he shows up in unique ways to me. And you. That’s why it’s essential I “prepare Him room” in my heart. Our relationship is different and unique. This definitely puts the kibosh on perfectionistic thinking… there’s no standard for how this relationship should look (other than of course soaked in truth and grace).

He shows up in ways in-explainable. Peace unimaginable. You’ll just have to experience it for yourself.

Note to self: stay put to watch him move 🙂